How Do I Explain IFS to My Partner?

2 July

When something about IFS resonates… but you don’t know how to explain it without sounding like you are crazy.

Maybe you’ve just started exploring Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy and something about it feels accurate about your own experience,

And now you’re wondering… how do I share this with my partner? How do I talk about “parts” or “inner protectors” without it sounding crazy or not really like traditional “therapy”?

Whether you've started IFS therapy or are considering it, you don’t need to explain the whole model. You just need to make it human.

Start with everyday language

IFS is based on something we all intuitively understand - we have different parts of ourselves that show up in different situations. You might say:

“You know how sometimes you feel torn, like part of you wants to do something, and another part doesn’t? IFS works with those parts.”

Or:

“It’s a way of understanding ourselves that’s based on compassion, not fixing. It sees our inner conflicts not as flaws, but as parts that developed to protect us.”

You don’t have to be an expert

Instead of trying to explain the theory, start with your experience of it. You could say:

“I’ve been noticing this part of me that always steps in when I feel anxious. This part tries to keep me busy and in control. I used to think that was just my personality, but now I’m realising it’s just a part of me that’s trying to help.”

Or, if you're still exploring:

“I’m drawn to this approach because it doesn’t pathologise anything. It treats all our parts (even the ones we don’t like) with respect. That feels really different from how I’ve been taught to relate to myself.”

Name the goal you are working towards

A lot of therapies can seem like they aim to “fix” or “change” you. Internal Family Systems doesn’t. You could explain it this way:

“IFS is about helping me build a relationship with all the parts inside me, especially the ones I usually ignore or try to silence. There’s this idea that we all have a core Self that’s wise, calm, and kind. I’m learning to lead from that place, instead of just reacting.”

Even if you’re not in sessions yet, this language can still feel grounding and clarifying.

What if they just don’t get it?

Not everyone connects to therapeutic language. And that’s okay. Rather than trying to convince your partner, you might offer this:

“You don’t need to fully understand it. I just want to share it with you because it’s helping me see myself differently and relate to you more honestly.”

You could even ask:

“Do you ever feel like there are different versions of you that show up depending on the situation?”
“If you had a part that took over when things got stressful; what would it be like?”

The best explanation is how you show up

You might not have the perfect words. But if you’re starting to speak more gently to yourself... if you’re pausing before reacting... if you’re showing up with more presence ... your partner will feel that.

And that shift will say more than any model ever could.

About the Author

Corene Crossin is an Australian registered psychotherapist and IFS practitioner based in Brisbane, offering online Internal Family Systems therapy to clients across Australia and internationally. She works with thoughtful adults who are ready to explore longstanding patterns around relationships, attachment, self-sabotage, body image, and inner criticism.

Her approach is trauma-informed, collaborative, and rooted in compassion. She believes that lasting change becomes possible when you feel safe enough to be fully seen, including by yourself.

Ready to begin your own inner work?

Download the free IFS Parts Mapping Guide to start exploring your parts, or book a free 20-minute connection call to discuss how IFS therapy might support you.