How Do I Explain IFS to My Partner?

When something resonates… but you don’t know how to explain it

Maybe you’ve just started exploring Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy and something about it feels true.

Or maybe you’re not in therapy yet, but you’ve heard about IFS, or read a post or one of Richard Schwart’s books ,and felt a quiet yes in your body.

And now you’re wondering… how do I share this with my partner? How do I talk about “parts” or “inner protectors” without it sounding crazy or not really like traditional “therapy”?

Whether you've started IFS therapy or are considering it, you don’t need to explain the whole model. You just need to make it human.

Start with everyday language

IFS is based on something we all intuitively understand:
We have different parts of ourselves that show up in different situations.

You might say:

“You know how sometimes you feel torn, like part of you wants to do something, and another part doesn’t? IFS works with those parts.”

Or:

“It’s a way of understanding ourselves that’s based on compassion, not fixing. It sees our inner conflicts not as flaws, but as parts that developed to protect us.”

Explore more:
→ Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy explained
→ What therapy is best for trauma?

You don’t have to be an expert—just honest

Instead of trying to explain the theory, start with your experience of it.

You could say:

“I’ve been noticing this part of me that always steps in when I feel anxious. This part tries to keep me busy and in control. I used to think that was just my personality, but now I’m realising it’s just a part of me that’s trying to help.”

Or, if you're still exploring:

“I’m drawn to this approach because it doesn’t pathologise anything. It treats all our parts (even the ones we don’t like) with respect. That feels really different from how I’ve been taught to relate to myself.”

Explore more:
→ IFS and self-sabotage

Name the goal, gently

A lot of therapies aim to “fix” or “change” you. Internal Family Systems doesn’t.

You could explain it this way:

“IFS is about helping me build a relationship with all the parts inside me, especially the ones I usually ignore or try to silence. There’s this idea that we all have a core Self that’s wise, calm, and kind. I’m learning to lead from that place, instead of just reacting.”

Even if you’re not in sessions yet, this language can still feel grounding and clarifying.

What if they just don’t get it?

Not everyone connects to therapeutic language. And that’s okay.

Rather than trying to convince your partner, you might offer this:

“You don’t need to fully understand it. I just want to share it with you because it’s helping me see myself differently and relate to you more honestly.”

You could even ask:

“Do you ever feel like there are different versions of you that show up depending on the situation?”
“If you had a part that took over when things got stressful; what would it be like?”

These aren’t “IFS questions.” They’re just human ones.

The best explanation is how you show up

You might not have the perfect words. But if you’re starting to speak more gently to yourself... if you’re pausing before reacting... if you’re showing up with more presence ... your partner will feel that.

And that shift will say more than any model ever could.

Ready to explore IFS therapy for yourself?

📞 Book a free 15-minute connection call with me at A New Chapter