Understanding (and Healing) Anxious Attachment with IFS
Have you ever felt like a relationship was your only lifeline, only to find yourself constantly worrying that the line was about to snap? If you’ve ever sat by your phone, heart racing because a partner hasn’t texted back in twenty minutes, or felt a desperate need for reassurance that you are "enough," you are not alone. These experiences are the hallmark of what psychologists call anxious attachment.
While traditional therapy often focuses on why we feel this way, a therapy approach called Internal Family Systems (IFS) offers a different path. IFS suggests that you aren’t "anxious" as a whole person. Instead, you have parts of you that are trying their very best to keep you safe from the pain of abandonment.
In this post, we’ll explore the roots of these feelings, answer the question "do I have anxious attachment?" and look at how Internal Family Systems for anxious attachment can help you find the secure, steady base you’ve been looking for.
What is Attachment, Anyway?
At its simplest, attachment is the "relational map" we carry inside us. First developed by psychiatrist John Bowlby, attachment theory explains how we relate to others in times of stress or danger. This "Internal Working Model" is built from our earliest interactions with caregivers. If our needs were met consistently, we developed secure attachment. But for about 40–50% of the population, that map is a bit more complicated.
Do I have anxious attachment?
An estimated one in five adults has an anxious-preoccupied attachment style. If you are wondering, "Do I have anxious attachment?" look for these seven possible signs in your relationships:
A Constant Need for Reassurance: You view your self-worth as flowing from the relationship rather than from within. You might find yourself "reading between the lines" of every text or soliciting compliments to feel okay.
Difficulty Trusting Closeness: Paradoxically, when things are going well, you might become more anxious, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Unconscious Sabotage: Because you fear being left, you might pre-emptively push a partner away through jealousy, nitpicking, or "testing" their loyalty.
The Quest for Perfection: You feel you will only be loved if you are on your "best behaviour".
High Emotional Volatility: You experience dramatic "ups and downs" and live in a state of terror regarding rejection.
The "One-Down" Stance: You often worry that you are defective or that there is something inherently "wrong" with you that drives people away.
Over-Investing: You seek to deepen relationships very quickly and fixate on them until they become your main focus in life
The Roots: How Difficult Childhood Experiences & Trauma Causes Anxious Attachment
It is widely accepted that childhood trauma causes anxious attachment, but it isn't always "big T" trauma like abuse. Often, it is a result of inconsistent caregiving.
Imagine a child with a parent who is sometimes warm and attuned, but at other times intrusive, dismissive, or simply "not there". This inconsistency creates a "hyperactivation" of the attachment system. The child learns: "If I am loud enough, if I cling hard enough, or if I am 'good' enough, I might get the love I need".
In IFS terms, these early experiences create Exiles (the young, wounded parts that carry the heavy "burdens" of shame, un-loveability, and the terror of being alone). To protect these Exiles, our system develops Protectors (Managers and Firefighters) who use anxious strategies to try and "redeem" us through the love of someone else.
A New Perspective: IFS for Anxious Attachment
Traditional attachment theory suggests that if you didn't get a "secure base" as a child, you have to find one in an external partner or therapist. Internal Family Systems (IFS) turns this on its head. It posits that you have a Self - an undamaged, wise, and compassionate core- that can act as the primary attachment figure for your own hurting parts.
Using Internal Family Systems for anxious attachment involves a shift from looking outward for safety to looking inward.
1. Identifying the "Attachment Cluster"
In IFS, anxious attachment isn't just one thing; it's often a cluster of parts working in a pattern. You might have:
• The Relationship Worrier (Manager): A part that obsesses over texts and plans for the future to avoid being "blindsided" by rejection.
• The People Pleaser (Manager): A part that suppresses your own needs to keep the peace.
• The Abandoned Child (Exile): Ae part that actually carries the original pain of being left.
2. The Power of Unblending
When we are "anxious," we are often blended with a part. This means the part has "taken over the pilot's seat," and we see the world through its terrified eyes. Unblending allows us to say: "I am not this anxiety. I have a part of me that is feeling very anxious right now". This creates the space needed for your Self (the 8 Cs: Calm, Curiosity, Compassion, etc.) to step in and comfort that part.
3. Witnessing and Unburdening
Instead of just "managing" your anxiety, IFS allows you to witness the story of your parts. You might go back to a memory where a part first felt "invisible" and offer it the care it never received. Once the part feels heard, it can unburden (releasing the belief that it is "unlovable") and take on new, healthy roles.
If you are new to IFS and curious about getting to know your own parts check out my free Guide to Mapping Your Parts.
Moving Toward "Earned Security"
The goal of this work is what psychologists and researchers call "earned security". You may not have started with a secure map, but you can build one now.
By using Internal Family Systems therapy for anxious attachment, you begin to realise that the "consistency" you’ve been seeking from others is actually something you can provide for yourself.
As your parts start to trust your core Self as a reliable source of love, your external relationships will naturally shift. You will find you no longer need to cling, because you are no longer afraid of being "untethered".
Final Thoughts
If you resonate with the earlier description of someone who is anxiously attached, please know that you are not "needy," and you are not "broken." You are a system of parts that learned to survive in an unpredictable world. Whether you are currently struggling with anxious attachment, remember that your core Self is undamaged, wise, and waiting to lead you home.
The road from anxious to secure is a journey of a small, focused compassionate connections, one part at a time.
Need support with anxious attachment?
Whether you're dealing with anxious attachment, a break-up or relationship challenges,IFS provides a compassionate path toward healing. To get started, book a no-pressure 20 minute connection call.
About the Author
Corene Crossin is an Australian registered psychotherapist and IFS practitioner based in Brisbane, offering online Internal Family Systems therapy to clients across Australia and internationally. She works with thoughtful adults who are ready to explore longstanding patterns around relationships, attachment, self-sabotage, body image, and inner criticism.
Her approach is trauma-informed, collaborative, and rooted in compassion. She believes that lasting change becomes possible when you feel safe enough to be fully seen, including by yourself.
Ready to begin your own inner work?
Download the free IFS Parts Mapping Guide to start exploring your parts, or book a free 20-minute connection call to discuss how IFS therapy might support you.
